Five Traits of a Great Dad

What does it mean to be a great dad, to live up to the hype of Father’s Day?  Here are some thoughts about that, accumulated over years of watching great, imperfect dads in action.

1. Great dads care how their kids are doing. Whether they express it perfectly or not, when dad is pressing us to achieve, criticizing our decisions, asking us a litany of questions, giving us advice or simply telling us he cares, it’s all the same. He gives a hoot.
2. Great dads feel responsible. It could be a sense of responsibility to teach us, support us or protect us, or it could simply be that they know their actions and opinions have an impact on us. Great dads feel like they’ve got to be able to be relied on.
3. Great dads see us for who we are. Whether we’re walking in their footsteps or blazing new trails, great dads see us for how we’re distinct from them, from their hopes and dreams for us, and from what we might have been like in an earlier era.
4. Great dads have reactions. Those reactions might not be expressed or framed in a way we know what to do with right away, but a great dad reacts to things he believes will affect our lives. Because they care, great dads react when they think we’re on or off course, in or out of a good circumstance, and more.
5. Great dads are embarrassing. Yep, it might be that they wear their pant cuffs too high, walk out of the house with a bit of tissue on a nick from shaving, cheer too loudly from the sidelines, or hold and express opinions far different from our own. We get embarrassed because they’re ours; and despite our embarrassment, we’re glad they are ours.

 

So, this Father’s day, all of us here at Benevolent want to celebrate our imperfect, embarrassing, reactive, insightful dads who give a hoot by doing something they taught us to do. Great dads stick their necks out and step in.

In honor of Father’s Day, let’s do that, too. Let’s step in and react to someone who’s in a bind. Let’s embarrass dad by honoring him for the guy he really is - the guy who’s made a difference in our lives and taught us how to make a difference for someone else.

I’ve created a special Father’s Day giving page highlighting some of the stories on the Benevolent site that I think might pique the interest of the dads in our lives. Here’s a link to it.

Last year, I made my dad cry when I contributed to someone in his honor. This year, let’s make all our dads know how much they’re appreciated, in all their imperfection.

- megan kashner

  founder & ceo

  Benevolent

  www.benevolent.net

Giving With Kids

It’s the giving season, the perfect time to invite kids to get into the spirit and the act of giving. How, though, do we instill understanding and generosity in the kids in our lives without making those who live in challenging situations seem “other” or in a world apart from the lives our kids are living? It’s not simple, but it’s where we -- coaches, parents, teachers, grandparents, cousins and neighbors -- can make all the difference.

Kids are always listening. When we talk with kids openly and with an empathetic lens about what we see around us, we’re building responsible, thoughtful kids. When we make it personal through visiting Benevolent.net, reading people’s stories together and talking through some of the reactions that kids might have to reading about people’s circumstances and needs, we’re stretching all our perspectives, learning from each other as we go.

If we give with our kids, not just once a year but as a part of our family’s weekly life, and if we talk about the needs and ambitions of people who have greater challenges than ours, we’re modeling something they’ll carry with them into adulthood and into their own children’s lives.

I asked a handful of people to share the ways in which they weave giving into their family life. Here are three that I think I’d like to try with my kids:

1 – One family collects money throughout the year, setting some aside from allowance and spending money every week. At one set time each year, the parents sit down with their kids and each family member suggests a cause or effort they think the family should support. They talk about what issues are important to them, come up with a list of organizations that address their chosen issues, and make sure each kid gets to direct at least some of the funds for the year as they send off their family donations.

2 – A second family does a range of things, both as a family and as individuals. They go together as a family throughout the year to bring donations to the local food pantry and shelter. They have regular conversations about their own blessings and how fortunate they feel they are. Their oldest started teaching classes to younger kids as a required community service, but then got hooked and kept on volunteering.

3 – A third family has a rule that 10% of any money the kids get (as gifts, from working, etc.) is saved for giving to others. Each kid decides how to give his or her money and when. Sometimes they give to a cause or project through their church, sometimes to a person in need in their community, sometimes to a nonprofit. This way, each child is learning to set aside some of his or her own funds for others and then gets to decide on his or her own priorities for giving.

What if you chose a person a week on the Benevolent site? What if I did this with my kids? We could use that one person’s story and need to spark conversation, talk about choices and personal commitment, to imagine ourselves in another person’s shoes. Then we could give.

Maybe this week, it’ll be Tiffany who has already been certified as a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) but wants more for herself and her family than minimum wage. She wants to be a Nurse, an LPN.

Tiffany shares a great deal of her story, including the fact that she had been pregnant with twins, but lost the babies, then lost her job. She shares which college she’ll attend and how she will use the laptop she’s hoping to get to help with online classes. There’s a great deal to talk about there – goals, loss, setbacks, plans, and balancing kids, school and work – a lot to talk about at the dinner table or on the drive to school.

- megan kashner, founder & ceo

  Benevolent

  www.benevolent.net

Let the Giving Begin!

It’s early Thanksgiving morning, so perhaps my blog post should be titled “Let the Eating Begin!” or “Let the Shopping Begin!”

I hope you get to eat with your family, hug those you love, and shop for your friends and for yourself this week. Then, on Tuesday, when you’ve lived through the turkey, through Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday, you’ll be ready.

You’ll have made it through the melee and you’ll have earned the calm fulfillment of Giving Tuesday. Benevolent is a Founding Member of the GivingTuesday movement and we’re hoping that Tuesday will, in fact, be your most rewarding, most self-rewarding day. After all, shopping is stressful - we worry about how much we’re spending and whom we’ve forgotten on our list; we worry about getting the best deals and about the buying decisions we’ve made.

Giving to help someone else, by contrast, is stress-free. We can do it without worrying that we’re paying too much, without worrying if the person we’re buying for will like or appreciate the sentiment behind our gift.

This Thanksgiving day, I’m thinking about Bart. He and his wife and kids could have such an excellent holiday season if we come together to help them over these few months while Bart’s training to become a welder. They need help with winter clothes for their three kids, including school uniforms and snow boots.

Here’s how Bart describes himself:

“I think of myself mostly as a great dad, loving husband, provider, humble, positive, and self-motivated. I live with my wife of 11 years and three beautiful kids - two sons and a daughter. I am going to school at JARC to become a welder. I've worked at jobs including parking attendant, machine operator, sales rep, security officer, and a material handler. Something interesting about me is I enjoy reading books, playing video games, playing sports, and traveling. I have a positive attitude and am a good father.”

Today is the opening bell of the giving season. Today I invite you to join me: take a breath and reward yourself by stepping away from holiday stress and helping someone out when it really matters.

When you take stock of all you’re thankful for today, remember to be grateful that you have the opportunity to give. I know I am.

- megan kashner, founder & ceo

  Benevolent

  www.benevolent.net 

Stand up for someone this election season

A case for voting with your empathy foot forward

Last year, my son stood up to someone who was taking horseplay too far and crossing the line into bullying. He stood up to his own friend on behalf of a kid who was not a friend. Afterwards, the boy who had almost gone too far thanked my son and told him he’d been right to stop him. I can’t recall a time I’ve been more proud of my kid.

This election season, I’ve found myself thinking about what it means when we stand up for someone, even if that person is not our friend, not in our community, and perhaps quite different from us. I’ve been thinking about apathy and about those who consider not voting because they don’t feel certain that the candidates represent them or reflect their needs or beliefs. I’ve been thinking about people who believe that their vote won’t make a difference in their own lives and therefore refrain from voting.

To me, voting is the epitome of standing up for someone else. When we vote, we have the opportunity to stand up, as my son did, for someone who needs backup, even when that person is not a friend.

So this year…

- If you believe that those who live in low-income circumstances need a country which affords them the opportunity to achieve, vote.

- If you believe that the children of families quite different from your family deserve a safe, respectful start in life, vote.

- If you believe that hard work should result in improved earnings and security, vote.

- If you believe that something that might incrementally improve your own circumstances is less important than something that others need more critically, vote.

This year, I’ll be thinking about some of the amazing people whose stories we’ve read on the Benevolent site, thinking about what they might need, thinking about their children, and I’ll be voting.

One person I’ll be thinking about will be Stefanie. Stefanie is really different from me. She was a teen mom, made some decisions that derailed her life, and has been without permanent housing for about six years. Now she’s about to get a job, be ready to pay her own rent, and reunite with her daughters.

I want her to succeed. I want her kids to have stable, successful lives. So, thinking about what will affect their lives, I’ll consider what it will take to ensure the availability of affordable housing, a job with a living wage, high quality education and health care for her girls, and I’ll vote.

This year, stand up for someone who needs, really needs, something that you can help make possible. 

Vote.

- megan kashner, founder & ceo

  Benevolent

  www.benevolent.net 

Bugged

Ever wonder why we post needs for furniture on the Benevolent site? If you’re anything like me, when you moved into your first apartment, you made several trips to local thrift stores to find things like upholstered chairs, recliners, padded kitchen chairs, and couches. It might not have looked like a million dollars, but it served the purpose and it made our apartments feel like home.

Maria “has been sharing a two-bedroom mobile house with her two sisters, their five children, her stepfather and her mother,” says Sizzy West, Maria’s Home Visitor.  Now this young mom has succeeded in moving herself and her daughter into their own apartment and seeks our help in getting the funds she needs to buy furniture for her first-ever living room.  We might wonder why she needs to buy it new, rather than at a thrift store.

There is one simple answer: the reality of bed bugs. No, Maria does NOT have bed bugs, but they are the reason she can’t buy upholstered furniture from a thrift store.

Chicago has been one of the nation’s top cities in bed bug infestation in the last few years – not an honor we relish. Whenever we hear news stories or read articles about how to protect ourselves from bed bugs, they inevitably contain a sentence like this one from Dateline on NBC:

“Do not buy used furniture (especially bedding items or upholstered items), or at least do not bring them into your home until you, or a competent expert, have inspected them carefully for any signs of bed bugs.”

For a struggling earner, this turns the furnishing of a new apartment into a significant expense. It’s no longer a safe option for someone in a situation like Maria’s to purchase a couch from the local thrift store or to accept a contributed or hand-me-down mattress or padded chair.

Nonprofits that might once have accepted donations of furniture to help their newly-housed clients settle in have entirely stopped accepting these contributions. One news story reported: “Most agencies no longer accept donated beds or mattresses to resell or provide to clients in need.” So for Maria new furniture is not a luxury; it’s a necessity.

It would be easy for us to misunderstand someone who, like Maria, asks for help with furniture, and to quietly doubt the validity of her need without speaking up and questioning it. Things have really changed since I bought those tattered green armchairs and that well-worn brown couch back in the 1990s.

This is yet another example of the ways in which the small things can make a big difference.

- megan kashner

  founder & ceo

  Benevolent

  www.benevolent.net